Things in my head and my heart

Let me start off by saying, I wasn't sure if I was going to post this. I open my heart wide, I play all the cards. This has been on my heart for a long time. Those of you here in Korea, who have noticed something "wrong" with me. This is what I have been thinking about. I'm not sure I want to share this. It leaves me vulnerable.

This hasn't been an easy journey. I've had a lot to deal with and a lot to carry. I didn't have the best start, I even thought about going home. I wanted very much to leave. I really began to wonder why I would get sent somewhere, where it was worse then before. I had trouble imagining that things could be worse than my previous situation. I went through numerous struggles so I did a lot of reading. I was reading Streams in the Desert, The One Year Book of Hope, and lots of other things by very wise people who know more about God than I do. I let the people back home know about those things that I need prayer for, and I focused on understanding. I needed to understand why God brought me to place where there was very little support. Where it seemed like nobody wanted to help or had any concern about me and my well-being.

Of course, I also thought that God had brought me here to reach and teach children. I felt that this might provide a little break for the stresses of being a "real" teacher. That maybe this was how God was going to refocus me back on teaching and fix some of the damage that was done. Oh, was I wrong?!

See, God has a plan. God made my heart ache in a certain way. God sees the bigger picture. God also has all of the map. I am more aware of this than before, God knows what he is doing. He also knows the best way to get from point A to point B. He has shown me that sometimes I can't see point B, and I think that point A is fine. He knows that if He makes point B look similar to point A, it might appeal to me.

Now that I've rambled pointlessly, what is the point? Well, first I had to open my ears and listen. Then I had to look around and notice that something else I was doing felt right. I was using my energy and it didn't seem like it was being wasted. I had found a group of people who were in my shoes, and I was spending a lot time with them. I listened to what was going in their lives, and my heart broke. My heart broke in ways it never had before. My heart has been broken before. My heart had to break in a different way, so I could move from point A to point B.

I went into Mexico, and I saw how those people lived and my heart broke. It didn't break like this though. I spent many weeks in Mexico building house safter that summer. In fact, I built about 10 houses. The whole point of that wasn't to build houses. It was for me to develop that care for others, I have in me. Those of you that know me, know that I love to take care of other people. This is where it developed. I had groups of mostly youth to take care of and look after there. I had these groups that need me to help them out. I was in my element. I was using the gift, I loved using most. I love to be a servant. When I started this house building though, I didn't love it like I do now. So, you can see why point A looks appealing. I'm happy there, it's something I love, and at first, the only aspect I saw of point B is that I couldn't do this house building anymore. However, after looking at point B a little more, I see that point B is just that, being a servant all the time. Point B is taking care of people.

Another part of this path, I began to work with children. It didn't take much for me to fall in love with them. So I went to school to be a teacher. I worked hard, and a graduated with my Elementary Degree. I went off looking for a job. I found one in a school district that really didn't have support and wasn't doing very well. It was under a lot of pressure. I stuck it out for two years. Although looking back, I probably shouldn't have. I should have left after the first year. I wasn't listening to God to well at that point in my life. I was pretty sure I was the one with the map and the big picture. I was wrong. The great thing about God is that during that time, He still used me, and sent blessing my ways. Of course, I also paid the consequences for being outside of God's will. God had every right to walk away, and leave me in the hands of destruction, but He didn't. I have this wonderful strong friendship with Jackie because of it. I got another church that feels like it is my family. It also started my friendship with Tiffany. I got to teach some amazing students. I got two years with one of my best friends, Angela. Those are some of the blessings. On the other hand, my confidence was shattered. I spent most of the summer too upset to do anything but really sit around and feel sorry for myself. It was the first time in my life, that I was worried that I had let my father down. (Daddy, if you read this, and I did, please don't tell me.) It delayed my coming to Korea.

So there is point A. Where is point B? What does point B entail? Well, lets go back. I said, my heart broke in a way it never had before. It broke for these poor teachers. Most of the people who come here to teach, are young when the first get here. Most are just out of college, are a few years out. The hardest part, is that they are just kinda tossed in. They really aren't to sure of anything. It can be a little overwhelming and little scary. Those that know God, easily forget that He is there for them. They lose sight of who He is. The hogwon isn't much help and has little support. I want to be that help, I want to be that support. I want to help them keep their focus on God, and for those that don't believe, I want to show them, that He is really all they need. I want to develop a ministry that focus on their needs, and wants. I want to develop a ministry that cares for them. They are forgotten. They are thrown into the deep end of ugly murky water. They are dropped of in the middle of nowhere with nothing. I want to be more than a life vest, I want be more than the path out of the woods. I want to pull them out of the water, and place their feet somewhere sturdy and dry. I don't just want to help them out of the woods. I want to supply for their needs and show them way.

I plan to spend the next several years teaching abroad. I want to spend a lot of time in the shoes that I want to minister to. I want to understand all the pain, hurt, unhappiness, and that feeling of being lost. Then one day, I want to settle in a country and start helping. I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I want to change things, and impact people. I want to make things better.

So, mom and dad, your daughter wants to be a missionary in Asia.

So, why has there been a struggle to share this. The main reason is I have doubt. I have doubt in myself, and in my God. If I can barely stand to be away from home for 4 months, how am I going to be able to do the rest of my life? I love my churches back home. I miss both RPBC and Trinity. I miss my friends. I miss my dog. I miss my family. I can't tell you what I wouldn't give for a Poppy Bear hug right now. I would give just about anything to hear to my niece say Mickey-Shell. I wish Josh were around to annoy me. I doubt that I really have the ability to do this. Can I be trusted to watch after these people so far away from? Will I do what is right? Will I know how to help them? This is hard to write. What about God? Did He pick the right person for this job? Does He really know my needs? Will He really take care of them? Is this really the path I should be one? What does one do with all this doubt? I have sat down with three books and read that doubt isn't the oppisite of faith. Just because I have doubt doesn't mean that I don't faith. It does mean that I need to work on faith and work through my doubts. Do I have reason to doubt? I am human. I need to work through my doubts, and strenght my faith. The most important thing I need to remember is that I wasn't called to succeed, I was called to be faithful. I was called to listen, to obey. I have no reason not to be faithful. God has provided for me, and will conitue. Even when I wasn't faithful, God still was.

Long time, no blog

For those of you that read my blog and use it as a way to check in on me, I'm very sorry. Things got busy, I left for Busan, and so blogging just got pushed down on the, "I'll do it later," list.

I lost my bank card. Yes, that's right, I lost it. I was grabing money out the atm before going to Dos Tacos, a Mexican restaurant, with Katie, and it wasn't in my wallet. I had to have Vincent write a note in Korean to explain that I lost my card and I needed a new one.

The first missed weekend is that of the 13th. Friday night I went to Pastor's. I had dinner with them and then Jason came over and we played cards. He ended up staying the night too. He also decided to push back rehersals. I got up the next morning and called my dad and wished him a happy birthday. I went and got a massage with Jason and we had lunch. Then we went to the church for the play. Pastor and I walked over to Starbucks and had a drink and a scone together. It was a nice walk and talk with him. Pastor Turner is really growing on me. I'm having to add him to my list of favorite Pastors. We did a run though for the play and then it was show time. It turned out very good. It was a really good play and Jason did a really great. So did the actors. We went out to dinner afterwards. Then Sunday I went over to SIBC for church. After church I went over to Hard Rock for lunch. That pretty much was my weekend.

That last week of work was kinda rough. I had to make tests for my afternoon class. This is something I absolutely hate doing, because I know there are assissment guides that have tests already made and we don't use them. I also had to do report cards. Tuesday, Kelly sat down with Katie and I and told us she doesn't like the way we teach 4th peroid, we shouldn't let the kids play and that we aren't strict enough on the kids. Kelly told us things needed to change or that there would be solutions. She was upset that we hadn't given her an outline yet. I told her I was working on it and had to stop to get the test and report cards done. She didn't like that answer. We told her if she didn't like what we were doing then she needed to give us a plan.

Thursday, I didn't feel well. I felt worn out and over run. So my body played sick and I went to and explained that I couldn't work and I needed to go home and rest. The only way that could happen was if I went to the hospital and saw the doctor there. He wasn't quite sure what to do with me. I wasn't really sick. I told him, I just need the day off. After that ordeal, I went home and slept. I felt better. The next day, we had our Christmas stuff with the kids. It was kinda like halloween, we each picked something to do with the kids and they rotated around to us. With the afternoon we were left to do whatever. Katie and I went to see Twilight. It was a good movie.
Then I went to Pastor's. The Singles' Christmas party was that weekend. Amber and I helped Gayle cook food again. Amber made pie. I made a corn dish. It was very good. We played a white elephant type game. Amanda got an aligator hat, and Jackie got the mouse mittens, I bought. It was a lot of fun. We just kinda hung out the rest of the night. Sunday, I went to church and then in the evening I went to help Suzanne. She was going home and I said I would help her to the airport. The way I looked at it was as practice for the things I'm thinking of doing later on.

Monday I said good-bye to Amanda and helped Suzanne to the airport. Tuesday, I went over to Amber's part of the city. We walked through a park and saw that they had set up an outdoor skating rink. Amber and I went skating. It was a lot fun. I've never been ice skating before. I had a good time and I only fell once. I hit kinda hard. My elbow ended up bothering me for about a day and a half. I went over to hang out with Amber because her school was putting on a Christmas concert. We hung out at her apartment until it was time to go. I had to take a taxi over to the place where they were singing. They did a very good job and it was nice.
Christmas eve, I watched Twilight agian and then went over to work to see if the package from my parents had come and it did. I opened it up. They got me a digital picture frame and loaded pictures on it. I thought that was sweet. They also sent nutty bars. There weren't any christmas pajamas though. It was a little upsetting not to get christmas pajamas, but I am 26 and I suppose I can't expect to get christmas pajamas for the rest of my life. I pack my overnight bag for 5 nights and headed up to Pastor.'s. My church wasn't having a Christmas eve service. I had dinner with Jason. On our way over to the church, I saw a huge pile of Christmas cakes. So I thought I would point out every time I saw a Christmas cake from then on in hopes that Jason would want to share a Christmas Cake with me. I must have said "Christmas cake" about twenty times before he caved in and went shopping for a Christmas cake. We got one from Baskin Robins. The lady asked us if it was here or to go and we said to go and then I looked a Jason and said "For here, we aren't pigs." Then we made our way over to the church. Pastor had a very nice service planned. One of his readers didn't show up, so he asked me if I would read and I did. After the service, Jason and I hid in the corner of the kitchen and ate our cake. We didn't eat it all, but we did eat a pretty good chunk of it. I went home with Gayle and Pastor.

The next morning, I got up and called my parents and talked with my family. Jason and I went to Seoul Sation and got a train ticket to Busan. We went first class. We got into Busan at almost 3:00. We found a place to stay and found some dinner. We had an hour wait for dinner, so we went and walked on the beach for half of that. It was very beautiful.

Friday, we went to the Vesta Spa. We had to go on different floors to soak and sauna. Then we went and got a massage and then soaked again. Afterwards we went back to the beach. Jason wanted to sit in the Starbucks and read, so I went over to the aquirmaum. It was a nice one and it's underground too, which is really neat. Then I went and put my feet in the water. It was cold, but I loved putting my feet into the water. I'm in love with beach towns, they are awesome!
Saturday, Jason and I walked along the beach and then to this park. It was a nice little walk and I had to do a little climbing. As we walked along the path, we came upon the APEC house. It's this big confernce room building. It was very pretty. After that, I went off on my own again. I found this hike that had two waterfalls and two shrines, so I walked that. Afterwards, I walked around looking for a market, but I found the subway instead, so I took the subway back to where I was staying. I walked around there. Then I went over to PC room and checked my online stuff and then started the blog. We had dinner and then bought fireworks at "Buy the Way" (think cicle k) and set fireworks off on the beach. We made sure we far from the "no lighting fireworks on the beach" sign and other people.

Sunday, we had breakfast, we caught a taxi back to Busan station and then caught a train back to Seoul. We had lunch together and then parted ways. I dropped my stuff off at home and then went out to Yongsan. I bought myself and ipod touch for Christmas. Then I walked around Myeong-Dong and looked at stuff. I bought another hat, scarf and mittens. I went back home, to realize that many of the songs I have on my ipod aren't on my computer, so I need to figure out how to transfer songs from my ipod to the computer, I found some free trail programs, but they only let you do 5 songs, and I have a good chunk to transfer, so if you have any suggestion please let me know.

I had a little bit of a rough week. I was left with a lot to think about. I was also pressing myself to make things known to others. I spent a lot of time thinking and a lot of time with Jason and Amanda. It's hard to explain everything. I got upset and now I feel like I'm giving up. I can't win the battle, so I'm walking away. In light of open class, the school has decided to rearrange Katie's and my class. Katie and I spent a lot of time thinking about what would be best for the kids. The school wants to do what will make the parents happy. I don't understand. This is school, it isn't a business. I think that it would be worlds better if they quit looking at it like a business, but they won't. So I'm done. I have nothing to help them with. I am not here for the parents. If they would just tell the parents we have the students' best interests in mind. Kelly lied. She really didn't want me here to improve the school. She wanted me here because of little piece of paper I own and the words on it. She thinks having people with a certain degree will make her school better. I read a proverb and it is right, "You can pound a fool and the foolishness will never come out." It's the message version. So I'm no longer pounding fools.

I went to dinner with Jason and Amanda on Tuesday. Then Jason and I went to get glasses. I got glasses and contacts for 85,000 won. Then on Wednesday Jason, Amanda, Katie and I went to Hard Rock for dinner and then to pick up our glasses. Katie and I went shopping. Friday, I had dinner with Jason and Amanda at Hard Rock again.

had play practice on Saturday, I got up and went. It was so cold. I had lunch with Amber and David at the Express bus terminal. Then I went to Insa-dong. I finished my christmas shopping. I can't find wrapping paper. I'll probably just send them unwrapped.

Sunday, I went to church at SIBC. I then went to lunch. We hung out until it was time to go back to church and see the Children's Christmas program. It was really sweet and they did a great job. It snowed Sunday morning. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was pretty cold too. It was really nice.

I know there is more to write about. Many of you probably have questions and are wondering what comes next. I have some people I need to talk to before I can share more. I'm hoping that Gayle will let me be selfish so I can call my dad on his birthday. I hate waiting. I got a card from Hilda last week. I haven't heard from Tammy in awhile. She might have gone to pick up Esther.